I'll Catch You
by Headed4Hollywood
Summary: Abby and Carter deal with a loss.
1. Default Chapter

"I want him to have a funeral."  
My voice quivered as I said it. I tried hard to fight the tears that were begging to fall down my face again. Carter gently put his arm around me, and I was comforted, knowing he was there, knowing I don't have to go through this alone.  
"He will."  
I looked up at him with tears glassing over my eyes, and I could tell he was trying to be brave for me, trying not to cry when he himself was feeling the empty pain of loss in his own heart. Carter slid his hand into mine and squeezed gently as he sat down by my hospital bed.   
How did we end up here? It seemed like just yesterday we were so excited…so ready for our future…and now everything seemed so…empty.  
  
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-  
  
"Abby put that down."  
She turned when she heard his voice.  
"Carter, I'm fine."  
He ran up to her, grabbing the box she held in her hands.  
"Abby, I told you not to carry anything heavy. Pratt, Gallant and I can handle it."  
She sighed, frustrated at him.  
"Carter, I'm not challenged. I can lift up a box and carry it up a few steps."  
He shook his head, a hint of a smile on his face.   
"Nope. Not now you can't."  
She rolled her eyes and threw her hands up in defeat.  
"You win."  
Carter nodded.  
"Thank you."  
She shook her head and smiled slightly, kissing him before he walked into the new house with the box. Abby put her hands on her back, looking up at the small yet cozy house they had purchased not more than a month ago. A little fence lined the small lawn that a porch overlooked. A porch swing rocked lightly in the breeze, and the curtains Susan had helped her put up hung in the windows. As cliché as it was, she loved the whole ambiance of the white fence and front yard. She could picture in her mind what the near future would bring for them.   
She smiled to herself and walked up the steps into the house slowly. The house still smelled of the day old paint, and the furniture still had the white sheets over them. She walked down the two steps into the living room and pulled the sheets off of the couches, rolling them up in her arms and tossing them into an empty box. She drew the curtains and looked out into the back yard.   
A pair of hands slipped around her, and she smiled as she felt soft lips kiss the nape of her neck.  
"Pratt, you know, Carter is upstairs."  
Carter laughed loudly, as Abby turned around, a grin on her face. She laughed and kissed him. He kissed her back and shook his head.  
"Good thing I know you're kidding."  
"Well, I heard he likes pregnant women."  
Carter chuckled and kissed her again. He broke away and looked down to her belly that had grown so big in just the last few months. He gently put his hand on her stomach. She smiled, he was going to be the best dad, she could tell already. Every night he'd talk to the baby. It would sound stupid to anyone, until they saw him do it. It was the sweetest thing Abby had ever seen him do.   
"Did you feel that?"  
Carter shook his head.   
"Where?"  
Abby took his hand and slid it to the side of her belly.  
"Right there."  
A second passed before Carter felt a thump against his fingertips.  
"I felt it!"  
She grinned and watched his face as he felt for another kick. She ran her fingertips through his hair, and her smile grew bigger as she watched the excitement on his face grow as he felt the baby kick again. He smiled up at Abby and kissed his fingertips and touched them to her stomach before rising back up, kissing her gently on the lips.  
"We need to talk about this name thing, Carter."  
Carter looked at her innocently.  
"Why?"  
She laughed.  
"Because there is no way I am naming our baby, if it is a boy, Rudyard."  
Carter laughed and nodded knowingly. He sighed, defeated.  
"Fine, fine. What name do you like then?"  
Abby thought about if for a minute. She was never one to really think of good things, but since her pregnancy, she had trouble focusing on the bad.  
"I was thinking of Rebecca if it is a girl…and for a boy, I think we should carry on the Carter tradition and name him after his father."  
Carter smiled.  
"Well, you know I never like to do anything the family will actually like…but I think I can make an exception."  
She smiled and kissed him again before pulling away.   
"I'm going to go fix you guys lunch, since you won't let me do anything else."  
She gave him a look and walked off toward the kitchen.  
"Alright…but don't use anything sharp!!"  
Carter called after her. Abby rolled her eyes and shook her head. He was being so over-protective, and as annoyed she was by it, to a degree she loved it. She loved how concerned he was. She couldn't wait for the unpredicted day that was nearly four months away.  
  
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-  
  
"No. John, I don't want to be wheeled out."  
I shook my head, I didn't want the pathetic looks and nods of sympathy I knew I would get. I shook my head again.  
"Let me walk out."  
Carter gave me that look. One that he was struggling to do what I wanted, but knew what was best for me.  
"Abby, please, we can go out the front, not through triage."  
I shook my head again.   
"Why are you fighting me on this, Carter?"  
"I'm not. Dr. Coburn wants you to stay off of your feet."  
"Fine! Then when we get home I'll sit in bed for the next month. I just…"  
My voice trailed off, tears fought their way over the brims of my eyes. Carter looked at me, that look of pain in his own eyes. He crouched down next to me, wrapping his arms around me as I cried softly on his shoulder. I couldn't bear it. I could feel Carter's gentle hand on the back of my head, stroking my hair gently. I doubt he knew what to do. He always tried so hard to make me happy…and nothing could do it. Not today. I'd been happy…genuinely happy, without nagging thoughts and negative outlooks for the first time in a long time. I just wanted that back.  
  
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-  
  
"So pink or blue?"  
Abby wrinkled her nose at Carter and shook her head.  
"That's so cliché. 'Pink or blue' Yellow is nice."  
Carter looked from her to the rows of paint cans.   
"Yellow. A happy color."  
Abby gave him a look.  
"Well, I'm happy."  
He grinned and looked over the colors.  
"Not like, neon yellow. Pale yellow."  
"Like the OB ward? You have been spending way too much time up there."  
Abby grinned.  
"We can do a border or something, make it cute."  
Carter chuckled. Abby using 'cute' in a sentence still threw him, and she used it more often these days.  
"How's this one?"   
He stood up, showing her the color of a pale yellow. She nodded.  
"Looks good."  
An hour later, Abby was sitting in a chair in what was to be the nursery, watching Carter paint the walls. She rested her head back on the back of the chair and shut her eyes, smiling to herself for a moment.   
She toyed with the ring on her finger. It was heavier than the one she'd worn when Richard proposed. It was beautiful. Carter's great grandmothers. She was going to be a Carter. That just cracked her up. Here's little miss Abigail Lockhart from Minnesota, marrying into one of the most prestigious families in Chicago.   
She and Carter had decided early that they would marry after the baby was born. He had proposed only two weeks before she found out she was pregnant. She had had so much trouble coming to terms with being pregnant…again. She didn't know if she could handle it. Being a mother…having a baby, a baby who could potentially be bi-polar, whom she'd have to take care of until the day she died. She didn't know if she could handle another Maggie…or another Eric in her life. Carter had finally gotten so worried about her, wondering if she was having second thoughts about marrying him. She eventually decided to let him in, tell him about her first pregnancy, her abortion, everything that had gone on in her life that he didn't know about. He was supportive of her, knowing that she'd make the right decision, and tried not to pressure her in one way or another, though she knew he would be crushed if she decided not to have the baby.  
It wasn't until a mother had come into the ER, nine months pregnant, and delivered her first baby. The amazing joy that the parents felt flooded the trauma room, and hit Abby harder than it ever had before, in her vulnerable state. She wanted those happy parents to be her and Carter. She wanted to take a baby home, and as corny as it sounds, she wanted to dress her baby in cute little miniature clothes, she wanted to wake up at three in the morning, either to feed their child, rock him back to sleep, or just watch him sleep.   
Carter had immediately gone into 'dad' mode. He'd come home proud of himself after buying another baby toy, or picking up an outfit. The first of course, was a Chicago Bears' t-shirt that could only fit an infant.   
Carter turned around and looked at Abby who was off in a day dream.  
"Abby, it's done."  
She opened her eyes and looked around at the yellow room. The room seemed to beam with sunshine, and she smiled.   
"It's perfect."   
She nodded.  
"Oh and I got this."  
Carter rummaged through a bag from the local decoration store. He pulled out a border of little farm animals. Abby chuckled slightly.  
"It's adorable."  
"Isn't it? I thought it would go perfect in here."  
Abby simply nodded.   
"Yea. It's perfect."  
Carter smiled and put his hands on both the arm rests of her chair, and leaned over to kiss her. She kissed him back, bringing her hand to delicately cup his face in her hand. He pulled away and smiled at her.  
"I love you, you know that?"  
Abby smiled at him.  
"I know. I love you too."  
  
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-  
  
I slumped down in the wheelchair. Damn Dr. Coburn had finally talked me into it. The elevator doors opened and the nurse, accompanied by Carter walked me out to the front curb where Carter had the car parked illegally in the red zone.   
Carter reached out for my hand, and I cautiously took it as he led me into the car. He gently shut the door and turned to thank the nurse. I could tell by their faces that the nurse had apologized, and Carter had graciously taken the apology. Its funny how people apologize for things that they had no control over. For things that they had nothing to do with, and that wasn't really their fault in the first place.   
Who's fault was this? Mine I suppose. Maybe if I hadn't had an abortion all those years ago…maybe if I had just given that child up for adoption, or kept it…maybe I blew my one chance to be a mother…  
Carter slid into the car and looked over at me before starting the car. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Carter cleared his throat, and I looked over at him.  
"Your uh…your mother called today."  
Yes, that is just what I need. Maggie, bringing out the silver lining of the dark, black cloud that loomed over our heads. I don't want to see the silver lining, or the blue skies that are in my future. I lost a child…a child that I wanted more than anything in the world. I didn't even lose him…he was alive, he breathed, I held him in my arms. He cried…  
Tears slid down my cheeks and I shook my head. Carter continued. I'm sure he didn't know what to say, what to do. I didn't know either.  
"She um…she wants to come out. I told her that I'd call her back in a few days once things are a little more back to normal."  
Back to normal?! Is he kidding? Things won't be back to normal! I could hardly breathe. The house that we'd bought for our family. The swing set Carter had insisted on buying, even though our baby wouldn't even be able to sit up on his own for at least four months. It was still in pieces on the back lawn. Things wouldn't ever be back to normal.  
I simply nodded and stared out the window. Drops of rain began to fall gently from the sky, and I heard Carter turn the windshield wipers on. We turned onto our street. The rain fell harder now, and I watched the rain drops slide down the window of the car. Carter pulled to a stop in the garage. He sat there for a minute before I heard him sigh sadly. I forced myself to look over at him. He looked at me, his sad eyes pouring into mine.  
"Ready to go in?"  
I looked at him and nodded slowly, opening the door. I stepped slowly out of the car, aware of my sore spots. The ground seemed so much harder. I was sensitive to everything. Carter made his way around the car, my bag in one hand, he slid his arm around my waist, letting me use him for support. He was always like that. Offering me support even when I assured him I didn't need it.  
He walked me upstairs, checking me every few seconds, just to make sure I wasn't going to pass out or anything. I felt as if that might be a good release…sleep, though I doubt I could. The door to the nursery was closed, thank God. I don't think I could handle seeing it. Carter walked me to the bedroom and gently guided me to the bed. I sat down, lost in thought…four days ago should have been the happiest day of our lives…  
  
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-  
  
"Hey Abby, do you want anything from the store?"  
Carter walked around the corner to the living room where Abby had been reading. Her face was twisted with pain, and she shook her head. Carter ran down the couple of steps to the living room and hurried over to her.  
"Abby, what's wrong?"  
He asked, his face stricken with panic.  
Abby shook her head, breathing out slowly. She finally regained her composure.  
"Contractions…I was going to call for you when another one hit…they are pretty close together, like five minutes."   
Carter nodded, and scrambled for the car keys on the coffee table.  
"Alright, alright. We'll be there soon, okay, okay…everything will be fine, just remember to breathe. I'll get the car, are you okay to walk?"  
Abby nodded. She'd have laughed if she wasn't so concentrated on her contractions. She never had seen him so panicked, even when they had massive traumas come into the ER.   
She stood up slowly and held her stomach with one hand, while wobbling toward Carter. He reached out his hand and helped her up the stairs. He walked her to the front porch and down the steps before running to the garage and pulling the car to the curb. He ran around and helped her into the car. Once she sat down, she groaned loudly, another contraction striking pain through her. Carter pulled out and hurried toward the hospital.  
An hour later, they were set up in a room up in the OB ward. Abby had progressed beautifully through her first stages of labor, and Dr. Coburn had left to get the anesthesiologist to come give Abby the epidural.   
Abby closed her eyes and exhaustedly rested her head on the back of the bed. She was so tired already, she couldn't see how she could actually push this kid out. Carter stood by her bedside, holding her hand tightly in his. He kissed her forehead, pushing stray hair from her face.  
"You're doing great."  
She looked up at him.   
"Don't tell me I'm doing great. This sucks!"  
Carter suppressed a laugh. He knew women in labor were unpredictable and often very moody. Dr. Coburn walked in, accompanied by two nurses.   
"Alright are we all set?"  
"More than you know."  
Dr. Coburn smiled at Abby as she checked her vitals and how dilated she was. Her face fell a bit as she checked. Abby's heart thumped fast in her chest.  
"Is something wrong?"  
Dr. Coburn checked her vitals again.  
"Alright, Abby…the baby's heart rate has dropped. If it doesn't come back up in the next few minutes, we're going to have to perform an emergency c-section and get the baby out."  
Abby looked at her in panic, and looked up at Carter, who was squeezing her hand. He was staring at Dr. Coburn and opened his mouth to speak, then closed it when only stutters came out. He shook his head and tried again.  
"Is…is that normal? I mean, will everything be okay?"  
"I perform c-sections all the time, Dr. Carter. Everything should be okay."  
She nodded to them both and left the room. The anesthesiologist forgotten, Abby dropped her hand to her stomach, silently praying for the baby inside. She looked up at Carter. He smiled reassuringly at her, but she could see right through him.  
"What if they don't get the baby out in time?"  
He nodded to her, crouching so he was eye level with her.  
"They will Abby, they will."  
He looked toward the door and after making sure Abby was okay with the nurse, walked out after Dr. Coburn.  
"Dr. Coburn…"  
She turned to him, and smiled sympathetically at him.  
"Yes, Dr. Carter?"  
He looked down, rubbing a hand through his hair.  
"Everything will be okay, won't it? Please, tell me the truth."  
"I can get the baby out in thirty seconds if I have to…"  
Carter nodded and looked away. He looked back up at her.  
"This woman…is my life."  
Dr. Coburn nodded.  
"I know."  
He nodded slowly and turned back to walk into the room. He forced himself to smile encouragingly at Abby, and stood by her side, again sliding his hand into hers.  
A few minutes later, Dr. Coburn entered the room again. She checked the stats from the monitor and nodded.  
"Alright. I don't see enough of an improvement, so we're going to go ahead and take you into the OR and get the baby out, okay?"  
They both nodded slowly as Dr. Coburn told the nurse to prepare the OR.  
"Can I scrub in?"  
Dr. Coburn sighed a little and shook her head.  
"I'd rather you not, Dr. Carter. I need to stay focused on what I'm doing in there, and I don't think I'll be able to with you there."  
Abby's grip tightened on Carter's hand at the thought of him not being there.  
"Please, Dr. Coburn. Let him come in. I can't do this alone."  
Dr. Coburn sighed and looked at them, their faces pleading with her. She nodded.  
"Alright, but Dr. Carter, you have to stay on the other side of the curtain with Abby."  
He nodded.  
"I will."  
She nodded.  
"Then go scrub in. We'll get your anesthesia administered in the next couple of minutes for the surgery."  
She walked out with the nurses, once again leaving Carter and Abby.  
"I'm going to go scrub in. I'll see you in there, okay?"  
Abby nodded slowly, terror filled her eyes. Carter bent over and kissed her gently.  
"I love you."  
She nodded slowly.  
"I love you too."  
~*~  
Fifteen minutes later, Carter was struggling with staying behind the curtain while he heard the murmurs of the doctors and nurses on the other side. Abby closed her eyes, tired from the anesthesia, but fighting so she wouldn't go to sleep. Carter brushed her forehead with his thumb gently and smiled comfortingly at her.  
"Soon enough we'll be at home with our baby."  
She forced a smile up at him.  
"He'll love the room."  
"He?"  
She smiled.  
"Just a guess…"  
The sound of a monitor beeping quickly shocked them out of their conversation.  
"What's going on?"  
Dr. Coburn shook her head.   
"It's alright. He's out. It's a boy."   
Carter grinned.  
"A boy! We have a son!"  
Abby smiled tiredly up at him. Carter bent down and kissed her. Abby looked toward the sound of Dr. Coburn.  
"What's the Apgar?"   
There was a silence coming from the other side of the curtain. Abby looked up at Carter worriedly and asked again.  
"What is the Apgar?"  
Dr. Coburn sighed a little, murmuring orders to a nurse.  
"Four."  
Panic struck both Carter and Abby. Carter looked around the side of the curtain, his hand still gripping to Abby's.   
"What's wrong with him?"  
"His heart rate isn't improving. We need to hook him up to a monitor and get him into the ICU."  
Abby shook her head, tears running down her face and dropping onto the hospital bed.   
"No…no. He has to be okay!"  
Carter squeezed her hand as he watched the doctors take his son out of the room. He shut his eyes and prayed he would be okay. Carter leaned down and wrapped his arms cautiously around Abby, letting her cry softly against him. Tears slid down his own face, praying for the best, but preparing for the worst.  
~*~  
An hour later, Abby woke up in her bed. Her eyes scanned the room, and the affects of the anesthesia were beginning to ware off. Her eyes fell on Carter, who's face was buried in his hands, his eyes shut. She prepared for the worst…maybe something happened while she had slept.   
Her voice was scratchy and just above a whisper, half from her sleep, half from the anesthesia.   
"Carter?"  
He looked up at her and stood up, walking over to her bed.  
"Hey."  
"Any change?"  
Carter shook his head.  
"No change yet. He's not doing too well…"  
Abby silently nodded, wondering what she had done wrong. Was it all those years of drinking? Smoking? She'd given both up nearly half a year ago, but maybe the affects were longer lasting than she thought.   
Dr. Coburn knocked as she slowly entered the room.  
"How are you two holding up?"  
They looked at her.  
"Okay. How is he?"  
Abby looked at the doctor hopefully.  
"Not good. He is having heart failure. We are trying to help him, giving him steroids and we had to intubate him."  
She sighed and took a step toward them. Something like this was never easy to say.  
"I'm afraid that if he doesn't respond…there is a good chance he won't make it."  
Abby's heart clutched in her chest. Carter's knees gave out on him and he sunk into the chair next to Abby's bed. He stared at the floor, a million things running through his head. He mentally searched for anything he knew, any trick he'd picked up in his years of training. Abby thought back to her days of being an OB nurse, thinking of anything, any hope that she could clutch onto. Both failed.  
Dr. Coburn gave them a sorry nod.  
"I'll leave you. You can come and see him. Just call the nurse."  
She left the room. Silence was never louder. Carter shook his head, not able to believe it. Only a few hours ago they were overjoyed with the excitement of becoming parents together. Abby stared down at her trembling hands.   
"I…"  
Carter looked up at her as she began to speak.  
"I don't know if I can do it."  
Carter gave her a puzzled look.  
"I don't know if I can go in and see him, and hold him…knowing…"  
She shook her head, tears spilling down her face. Carter stood up and sat next to her on the bed, folding his arms around her trembling body carefully. He stroked her hair and brought himself to speak.  
"Abby, you will regret it if you don't…you know you will."  
Abby nodded, knowing he was right.   
"Just…give me a minute."  
He nodded and kissed her forehead gently.  
"Take all the time you need."  
Abby knew she couldn't. They may not have hours, more than likely not even the day. She wondered why there hadn't been warning signs, why the numerous tests and ultrasounds she went through didn't pick up on this, didn't give any warning signs.  
Abby knew if she didn't go now, she wouldn't. She nodded to Carter.  
"Okay."  
He nodded and buzzed in the nurse. About a minute later, the nurse walked in with a wheelchair. Carter and the nurse helped Abby into the wheelchair, and Carter told the nurse he'd take it from there.   
They slowly walked to the ICU's infant unit and stopped outside the door. Carter was trying so hard to be brave for Abby, brave for their son…but inside he was crumbling.  
He pushed open the doors, and the familiar sound of monitors beeping filled the room. A couple nurses bowed their heads and looked away as they came in before returning to their duties.  
Carter and Abby stopped in front of the incubator that held 'Baby Carter'. Abby pulled in a sharp breath when she saw the tiny red body, hooked up to monitors and tubes, his chest rising and falling in time with the monitor that was supporting him. She felt a deep rush of love for this little person, and a swell of pain knowing she wouldn't be able to watch him grow up.  
Carter held back tears as he watched his son from behind a glass wall. He thought of all the things he wouldn't be able to teach him. How to throw a baseball, how to shoot a basketball. He wouldn't be able to support him through any decisions he would make, whether it was to be a doctor or a lawyer, or whatever he wanted to be.   
Carter gently put his hand on Abby's shoulder. A nurse walked over to them.   
"Do you want to hold him?"  
Abby looked up at her and nodded.   
Careful with the tubes and wires, the nurse gently lifted the baby out of his incubator and wrapped him in a blanket before placing him gently in Abby's arms.   
Abby stared down at the red skinned baby she held. His fists curled tightly against his chest.   
Open your eyes. Just get better…please…  
Abby prayed to God that she'd never do anything bad again. She'd never smoke, never drink, always look for the good, not focus on the negative. Anything…just to be able to watch her son grow up. Carter's eyes filled with tears as he watched her with their son.   
Abby kissed the baby's forehead as gently as she could. Tears spilled from her eyes onto the top of his head.  
"Mommy loves you so much."  
She whispered against his skin. Tears spilled freely down Carter's face. Abby's words gripped his heart and crushed it. Maybe he hadn't realized until she said it, that she was actually a 'mommy'. Abby looked up at him and nodded to him. Carter bent down and gently scooped their son in his arms as gently as he could, as if he would break him.   
Carter gently traced each curve in his son's face. Down his nose, over his closed eyelids, across his forehead, over his tiny ears. He knew they didn't have much time…and he would stop breathing as soon as they took him off the ventilator. He didn't want their son to suffer. He didn't want him to have pain, and all sorts of tubes in him when he died.   
Carter looked at Abby. She reluctantly nodded, knowing what they had to do. Carter cleared his throat quietly and the nurse nodded solemnly to them. She looked at them as if to make sure. Carter bent down and Abby touched her hand to their son's head. Carter nodded, pleading with her to just do it.   
With a flick of her fingers, the monitors were shut off. Their corner of the room was silent. Dr. Coburn, who stood only a few feet away said in just above a whisper.  
"Time of death…18:41"   
  
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-  
  
I sat in the rocking chair, staring blankly at the crib sitting across from me. Lost in thought…It hurt so much. The little teddy bear Susan had given us as we went into the hospital lay in my hands.  
A light crept into the room, and I didn't bother to look at where it came from. I already knew. The soft sound of steps coming toward me broke into my silence.  
"Abby?"  
I didn't respond. What was I going to say? He crouched near me, resting his warm hand on my arm.  
"Abby, come back to bed…"  
I shook my head slowly.  
"Abby, you can't stay in here all night. You need your rest. It's nearly 3:30."  
I need my rest? For what? Work? Life? Dealing with family and friends?  
"Abby please…say something."  
I took in a ragged breath.   
"I'll be in in a few minutes."  
Carter looked at me. I could feel his eyes pouring over me.  
"Don't shut me out Abby."  
I shut my eyes, on the verge of tears. His lips pressed against my temple and he walked out of the room, leaving me in the silence and darkness. 


	2. catch2

I felt my face getting warm, and I slowly opened my eyes. It was morning. I must have fallen asleep. I winced as the sun streaked through the window onto my face. My eyes wandered around the room. Today would have been our first morning after bringing home our son.and I probably would have stayed in his room last night anyway.watching him sleep.unable to sleep because of the excitement of being a new mother.  
I probably only got a few of hours of sleep, if that. I'm surprised I slept at all.  
I slowly stood up, putting the blanket on chair that I sat in. Carter must have come in after I fell asleep and covered me up.I know I should be more open to talking with him, to listening to what he has to say, more open to what he is feeling.but I couldn't deal with him. I was having enough trouble dealing with myself.  
My brain was screaming at me to get a drink.make everything go away. I could almost taste the hot liquor in my mouth, burning down my throat. With just the right amount, my body would go numb.go heavy with nothing. I could slip into a self-induced coma, slip into the darkness of nothing.but I wouldn't do that. I couldn't do that, not to Carter, not to myself. I'd been sober for almost a complete year.well, sober for my second time.  
I walked out of the room, looking down the hallway. To my right was Carter and my bedroom.the door was open, but Carter wasn't inside. I wonder if he is working today. Part of me wants him to be. Then I could have the house to myself, I wouldn't have to worry about him.but then again, part of me wants him to be here, wants him to be my constant rock to lean on.  
I turned to the left and walked down the stairs, looking into the living room which the stairs overlooked. Still no sign of Carter. I heard a clang of pots in the kitchen. I walked slowly toward it, stopping in the doorframe. "Hi."  
My voice was thick with sleep, and probably croaky from crying so much. Carter turned to look at me and gave me that look. That look that asks the questions he knows not to ask. "Hey. Did I wake you?"  
I shook my head and walked a couple of steps into the kitchen and sunk into a chair. "No, that would be the sun's job."  
Carter simply nodded and turned back to the stove. "I was making breakfast in case you woke up. You want something to eat?"  
I looked down at my fingers, he was already trying so hard for the normalcy that I wanted to avoid. "Do we have coffee?" "Sure."  
Carter hurried to get me a cup of coffee. He was trying to do everything on his own, making breakfast.I noticed how clean the kitchen was, as was the rest of the house. More than likely he was busying himself to keep from breaking down.and I knew that it was mostly for me that he was trying so hard not to break down. And honestly, I don't know how I'd handle him breaking down and being so fragile as I felt. I knew he was crumbling inside, and I was being more open with my emotions.which was so out of character for me.  
I had always been the kind of person to conceal how I feel. Keep from others pitying me, or wanting to take care of me. For years I was convinced that I could take care of myself, and my family. And I did. I was even emotionally closed off with Richard. Maybe not so much at first, but as our marriage took that jagged turn off the course to happiness, I put a few more bricks up in my wall around myself.making it higher and stronger than it had ever been.  
Then along came John Truman Carter. The only man who knew me so intimately before we were well, intimate. He was the best friend I've ever had, and I think that friendship, that trust that I built in him, this reliance that was more powerful than anything I'd felt, that was what made me slowly fall in love with him. I was caught off-guard by it. He had slowly brought a chisel to my wall, and broke it down piece by piece, until it could simply be swept away.  
So now that with him, I wasn't scared to show him how I felt.my weakest moments belonged to him, as well as my strongest, my happiest. To see him crumble was a rarity, and I was always there for it, ready to hold him as he did for me so many times. But if both of us were crumbling? Who would be there to pick up the pieces? I would suppose we'd have to lean on each other.but both being so unstable, we'd slip and fall.  
It's like being on a speeding train. The train has lost its breaks, there is no way to stop it. Being on a train that crashes.with no one there to rescue me. "Abby?"  
His soft voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I looked up at him, taking the cup he offered to me. "Thanks."  
I gratefully took a sip of the steaming hot coffee. I could feel the hot liquid slide all the way down past my ribs. I shut my eyes, just breathing in the simplicity of black coffee. Carter sat in the chair across from me after sliding a plate of eggs and toast in front of me. "You need to eat something."  
I sighed a little and nodded, not in the mood to argue with him. I ate a few bites of eggs and toast, drinking more coffee. Nothing had taste. Not due to Carter's attempt at cooking, just rather I felt numb to everything. I looked up as Carter cleared his throat. "You're mom called again."  
I sighed and put down my mug. Here we go. "Yea, and?" "And.she wants to come here. She's worried about you, Abby." "I'm fine."  
The old answer that was supposed to push everything away, make them convinced that everything really was fine. Carter saw right through me. "Don't give me that, Abby. You're not fine.hell, I'm not fine. Your mom just wants to come here and be here for you." "I don't need her here."  
Carter sighed. That sigh he always give when he is frustrated with me. "Abby, she's trying. It might be good for all of us to have her here."  
I gave him a look, raising my eyebrows.  
  
"How would it be good?" "I don't know.just to have her here. She's your mother, Abby." "I'm aware of that John." "I just think you should give her the chance to be here for you is all. She's your mom and she wants to be one to you."  
I sighed and shook my head, bringing my hand to my forehead, brushing away at hair that had fallen across my face. "I don't know if I can deal with her being here."  
Carter looked at me, and stood up, crouching in front of me so he was eye level.  
  
"Abby. I'm here. I know when you get frustrated with her. It will be okay. I promise."  
I sighed, tears again fighting their way to the brim of my eyes. I quickly blinked them back. "Is she on her meds?"  
Carter nodded to me. I let out a shaky breath and nodded. "Fine."  
I pushed myself away from the table, away from him, and walked out of the kitchen, toward the living room.  
A baby cradle still stood in the corner near the big glass window overlooking the backyard. I quickly turned away, heading toward the stairs. Everywhere I was reminded of what could have been, and what I've lost.  
I trudged upstairs and toward the bedroom, passing the nursery quickly. I stood in the doorway of my bedroom, my eyes scanning the room, dim with the curtains drawn over the windows. I walked to the bed, sitting on the edge before falling back in exhaustion. Maybe if I slept, I wouldn't be able to feel the pain in my heart. My heart literally hurt. Like someone had their hand gripping my heart, and squeezing it tightly, a little tighter every second.  
I pulled the covers up to my chin and shivered a little.not from the cold. I shut my eyes and after a while, slipped into the darkness of sleep. -^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-  
Abby walked down the hall, toward the nursery. She heard something downstairs. Her senses had sharpened somehow.maybe being a mother does that to you. She hurried downstairs and found her little boy sitting in the middle of the floor, on the new carpet, smearing paint all over the floor. "Wook mommy! I make a picture for you!" "Dylan! Honey, we don't paint on the floor."  
His little lip quivered. "You don't wike da picture?"  
She couldn't help but smile at the look on his face. "I love the picture sweetie. But we need to just color on paper, ok?"  
He nodded a little. Abby smiled and enveloped him in a tight hug. "I love you." "Wuv you too mommy." "You hungry?"  
  
"Yea."  
Abby stood up and walked off toward the kitchen, leaving him in the middle of the mess, figuring she would clean it up later. Halfway through making a sandwich, she heard a blood-curdling scream. She dashed out to the living room. The remainders of paint brushes lay in the puddle of paint. No Dylan. "Dylan?"  
Her heart beat frantically in her chest. She looked around the room. "Its not funny to hide from mommy."  
She looked around the room and heard a noise out in the other room. "MOMMY!"  
She snapped her head in the direction the scream came from. The scream echoed through the house. She hurried toward the front hall. "Dylan! Where are you?!"  
The scream came again, louder this time. Calling for her to come and rescue him from whatever was hurting him. "Mommy!!!!! I can't breathe!!!"  
Abby hysterically searched the entire house, turning over couches, opening closets, screaming for her son.  
She opened the door to the spare bedroom, and what she found shocked and horrified her.  
Lying on the floor was her son, writhing in pain, his heart beating so fast, that you could actually see the outline of his heart through his t- shirt. "MOMMY! HELP!" -^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-  
I shot up in bed, my body shaking and covered with sweat.  
  
"No!!"  
It was dark in the room. My room. I was trembling with fear. Carter must have woken up with my scream. I must have slept clear through the day.  
  
Disoriented, Carter shot up in bed, a scared look on his face. "Abby what's wrong?"  
I was shaking, still halfway in my dream.but that's all it was, wasn't it?  
  
"I couldn't find him! I, I didn't get to him in time, He was dying! I tried to find him, oh God, he was screaming, I couldn't save him."  
I rambled on, words tumbling out of my mouth. I felt Carter's arms pulling me tightly against him as my body continued to shudder uncontrollably. "Shhh. Abby. Shhh. It was just a dream. Just a bad dream."  
Hot tears sprung from my eyes and dripped down onto his chest. It was so real. I could still see the image of the little boy so clearly in my head. He looked just like Carter. Sandy blonde hair and that little grin on his face Carter so often wore. I shook my head, trying to calm my sobs, unable to do it. "Abby shhh. It's okay now. You're okay."  
I took in a deep, shaky breath. I don't know if I will ever really be 'okay' ever again. -^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-  
Three weeks had passed, and things had I guess, gotten a bit back to normal. My nightmares had subsided, at least a little. I was sleeping and eating more regularly, and I had stopped randomly crying throughout the days. Despite getting myself into a more regular schedule, I was still finding myself caught in a deep rut of depression. Not clinical, just something you'd expect, I suppose.  
Despite my assurances that I was fine to go back to work, Carter insisted that I stay home for at least another week. I was going to go insane staying cooped up in the house, doing the most mundane things. Going to the store, making the bed, cleaning the house. I don't think I've ever had a place as clean as the house we live in now. I tried to busy myself with normal, every day things.  
My mother had called at least four times in the last two days. Making sure everything was alright with her coming. I really had no choice in the matter. She'd feel 'conveniently wounded' that I didn't want to see her, then the guilt trip would start. I had enough guilt in my life already.  
I feel guilty over Carter. I knew that I should be doing more for him, confiding more in him.but I just couldn't bring myself to talk openly about it yet. The wound is still too fresh. I feel guilty, because in these last few weeks.I hadn't even let him touch me. And I don't mean that I just haven't been in 'the mood' to make love.but I haven't even kissed him.or hugged him for that matter. I couldn't think or focus on being romantic, or taking care of 'us'. When he'd come home from work, he'd look at me expectantly.like he wanted a hug or kiss.and want to give me one.but I just didn't feel.right I suppose, to go right back to those feelings of being in love.and ridiculously in love as we were. And I guess I should try. I should make the effort to hug him when he comes home. Kiss him when he does something sweet for me. He has been doing little things lately. Just bringing me flowers one day, or getting dinner on the way home another, just small things that wouldn't mean so much to anyone else, but meant the world to me.and yet I didn't ever show that to him.  
I looked up from where I sat in the living room. The clock read 11:15pm. Carter got off at 11:30, which meant he'd be home about fifteen minutes after that, assuming he didn't get pulled into a huge trauma. I decided it was time for me to just push past everything and be there for Carter. He'd done it every single day for me, and I'd done basically nothing but take it all. I knew I had to pull myself out of this rut I've been in. This black hole. I definitely couldn't let my mother see me like this. She'd take the opportunity to 'take care' of me, and act like a mother herself.  
Sighing, I pushed myself off the couch and walked upstairs. I undressed and got into a hot shower, letting the beads of hot water fall across my back. I shut my eyes, feeling the warmth of the shower seep into my skin. After about ten minutes, I finished in the shower and quickly dried off, dressing in just the regular jeans and a red t-shirt. I checked the clock. Carter would be home in less than five minutes. I didn't really have to take a shower, but I just hated that sticky feeling of not taking a shower earlier in the day. I was going to try.Carter deserved at least that.  
I walked downstairs just as the door opened. Carter walked in, looking exhausted, color drained from his face, his hair messed around. I immediately felt bad for neglecting him. I was going to be his wife, and I couldn't find the time out of my self-pity to ask him how he was.bother with how this had effected him. He took his back off of his shoulder, dumping it on the floor by the front door. The jingle of his keys was the only sound that filled the hallway as he hung them up on the hook near the door. I stood there watching him.really seeing him. How could I have not seen how much pain he is in?  
He looked up and jumped back. "God, Abby you scared me."  
I stepped down the stairs. "I'm sorry."  
And I meant it.sorry for more than just startling him. He looked at me, that look of concern in his eyes. I didn't deserve this man. "Abby, are you okay?"  
I nodded, and walked up to him, sliding my arms tightly around him, hugging myself close to him. It took him a second to register before he slid his arms tightly around me, and breathing that sigh of relief. I buried my head against his chest, breathing in his musty scent. "I'm so sorry John."  
He pulled away from me a little, raising my chin so I'd look him in the face. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Abby."  
I nodded, feeling tears sting my eyes. "Yes I do. I haven't been there for you. You've been there for me so much, every day, and I've done nothing in return."  
Carter shook his head. "This was hard Abby.I'm sure more hard on you.you're so hard on yourself, and you can't keep thinking that this was your fault. These things happen.and I hate to say that, but all we can do is grieve. Sometimes there is nothing else to do."  
I smiled through tears at him. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"  
The question was rhetoric, but he must have felt the need to answer. "I should be asking you the same question."  
I smiled at him and slid my arms around him tighter, hugging him again. I'd forgotten how safe and comforting being in his arms is. When he clung to me like this, his face buried against my neck, it seemed like there was nothing else in the world. I took in a deep breath, feeling a release of a weight that had been on my shoulders for so long. It's not my fault.it's really not. I guess it took Carter assuring me that it really wasn't my fault. I knew on some subconscious level that it wasn't.but making that a reality for my head and my heart was a different matter.  
I know that this is going to be a really long road for the both of us. Something we'll have to take a day at a time to work past. Not get over, but move on from. Carter kissed my forehead. I bowed my head against his, bringing my hand to the side of his face. "I love you so much Abby. Don't ever doubt that, okay?"  
I nodded and smiled slightly. "I won't."  
I looked into his eyes for a second before kissing him. God, how did I go so long without kissing him? I smiled slightly and pulled away, wiping a tear from my cheek. "I'm sorry that I haven't."  
He stopped me by putting a finger to my lips. "Don't."  
I simply nodded. He smiled that little half smile that he does. He leaned his forehead against mine, sliding his palm against mine and linking his fingers through mine. I shut my eyes, rocking toward him slightly. I'd missed him. I don't think I realized how much I'd missed him over the past few weeks.  
I slid my hands out of his, and slid my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly, pressing my face against his shoulder. He hugged me back with such tenderness, it seemed as though he thought I'd break. I hugged him tighter, neither one of us needing to say anything.  
He kissed the nape of my neck gently and pulled away. "Come on, its late, we should get to bed."  
I nodded and held his hand as we walked toward the bedroom. I knew that if I asked him if he wanted to make love tonight, he would have said no, and I'm so grateful for that. He knows how much I love him, and the fact that he is willing to wait for me to be ready again, for me to be able to get past this, so we could be intimate like that again. It was just going to take some time. The fact that I knew he'd wait.wait without being annoyed meant more to me than he would ever know. 


End file.
